Dating while in recoveryIf you are a recovering drug addict and single, you will probably eventually consider dating other addicts. At meetings, you come across a wide assortment of people, and some may seem pretty interesting or attractive. Before you jump in head first, you may want to consider whether dating another addict is a good idea. There are both good and bad points to consider. The first thing to consider is how stable your own sobriety is.
People in recovery need to take their recovery seriously, and that means not becoming obsessed with the idea offinding a partner at any cost. As an additional layer of protection, a person in recovery should also not date other people in recovery. The idea of fellow program members combining their sensitivities andweaknesses is fraught with danger. For anyone going through treatment, relapse is always a possibility. Being involved with someone for whom that possibility also exists greatly increases the chance of the two people falling back into the same habits — only this time, together.
After the inevitable relapses, she recommitted herself to her treatment program. Her experiences and her treatment taught her that a partner who could respect and support her sobriety would also respect and support her as a romantic partner.
Whether repairing the bridge to a spouse or romantic partner, or forging ahead with a new person, a sober person has to give the relationship a chance to develop. This may mean putting off intimacy for a long period of time until the partner has made a clear commitment to the relationship, and both parties are on the same wavelength; this may mean a lot of dates and meetings where there is minimal physical contact.
The point is that sobriety has to be established as a priority from the outset. As the people speaking to The Fix can attest, damage will inevitably be done if a relationship based on an unhealthy foundation is allowed to continue. Dating without drinking entails accepting that even as other parts of life look better in recovery, the quest to find love or companionship, as applicable can still be a long, occasionally ugly activity.
It is made even harder by the ubiquitous presence of alcohol in American life.
Happy hour, dinner with wine, and nightcaps are frequent enough on their own, and even more so when love and sex are considered. Such is the pervasiveness of the presence of alcohol that deliberately steering clear of alcohol on dates might send wrong messages about intentions and interests. A person in recovery has to look for the fun and excitement in dating while dutifully avoiding any temptations and, in the process, eschewing a rite of passage that millions of people take for granted.
Most people think nothing of stopping after a glass or two of wine, or warming up the night with a draft beer. When they hear that a person cannot drink, that can change the entire tone of the conversation. Writing in The Fixa sober woman confesses that a man she started dating expressed his disappointment that they could never share a glass of wine as a couple. For abstinent people, this can be especially disappointing. Their sobriety is an achievement, a successful overturning of years of alcoholic behavior.
They had to sacrifice a great deal to become healthy again. The woman decided to keep seeing her partner, but they broke up a few weeks after that conversation. In conclusion, the woman writes that her sobriety has helped her regain control of her life and her mind, but it has made her romantic life much harder than it used to be. A writer for Salon echoes the point: Sobriety is great for health, but bad for dating.
In the early stages of any relationship, the people involved struggle to find the right balance that works for both of them. For a couple where one party carries with them the specter of substance abuse, that balance can seem wildly off, especially when the people involved are still getting to know one another.
That's enough for a whole book! Sometimes these Steps take a long time to work through the first time, and because recovery and relationships are ongoing realities, these are Steps that are revisited time and time again.
Should recovering alcoholics dating each other
You may meet your PIR while they are in the midst of working Steps Four through Ten and be curious about what this "amends making" is all about. I was so unfamiliar with the Twelve Steps that I didn't know enough to ask Steve about them or if he had done them. And I certainly didn't know that, as someone in a relationship with a PIR, it would have been good for me to do these Steps as well. Now I've discovered that these "relationship" Steps are a balanced, healthy way even for non-PIRs to examine their own selves and their relationships with others.
But the Steps are especially useful if you are dating a PIR, because the skills you learn from the Steps may be helpful in your relationship. Step Four asks people to make "a searching and fearless moral inventory" of themselves.
The official policy of Alcoholics Anonymous (as laid out in the Big Book) does Hence, the rule of thumb that people in recovery not date for the first year of their sobriety. a person in recovery should also not date other people in recovery. . to make it work, then they can find true happiness in each other. And second, it's much easier to date someone who speaks the same “Some will say it's two mentally ill people going out with each other, but I . “I don't need to be in a meeting or to talk to another alcoholic for that. One of the biggest benefits of being in a relationship with another recovering alcoholic is. In other words, there's often a lot for them to "unlearn" in recovery. struggles and achievements as he worked on each of these "relationship" Steps. but if the person you're dating is a recovering alcoholic or addict, there may be more to .
As the Big Book explains it, a personal inventory works much like a business inventory, similar to when a store owner sorts through his or her goods to see which are salable, which are damaged, and which have to be thrown out.
When PIRs do a personal inventory, they list the things--their thoughts, feelings, character traits, and behaviors--that stand in the way of recovery and those personal strengths that can help in recovery. A business that tries to sell useless or damaged things goes broke; a PIR who holds on to useless and unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors also goes "broke" and risks relapse. The Big Book, page 64, says that "resentment is the 'number one' offender," and that it destroys more addicts than anything else does.
It is obviously very important, therefore, for PIRs to identify and release their resentments in a constructive way. My friend Paul told me about helping PIRs make "resentment lists. Paul said that the more thorough the list, the better, in order to make sure the PIR deals with any smoldering resentments or other thoughts and feelings that might creep out later in an unhealthy way.
The moral inventory in Step Four gives PIRs a practical tool for honestly and courageously facing how their addictive actions may have hurt others and harmed themselves in the process. There is no right or wrong way to do this Step, and those who work it don't stop to try to figure out why they did what they did--they merely make a list in whatever way works best for them, trying to be as "searching and fearless" as they can be.
After listing their resentments, many PIRs include in their lists the other categories suggested in the Big Book:. Then one day i get to know from his parents that he has relapsed again!! Now that families are involved, i'm even more upset that he relapsed. I am also considering leaving him but then again we love each other loads!!
Confused like crazy! Please suggest Individuals differ- when I was in active use I didn't give a fcuk. He is sick-Be careful He is sick- Have compassion. Your problem sounds very similar to mine. I wonder where you are today regarding your decision? I hope you have found an answer that you are at peace with! Myself, planning to leave for a retreat to gather strength to make what will probably be the most difficult decision in my life.
Otherwise either path will be too difficult. I do not want to continue questioning what I am doing, or what I did, for the rest of my life I would serious begin looking at getting a divorce. The problem is your life will always involve.
Relapse, recovery then relapse. It is never ending. I have beefed lied to cheated on after a so call recovery and got no apology because she finally told me what was going on. She forgot she lied continually until she had been drinking and spit it out. I'm no longer with this individual that I loved and took care of through recovery only to lie and cheat on me. She wants to talk and have dinner. No way never again. Played me for the last time. It hurts still. In therapy dealing with this sad turn of events.
Move on if I were you. I have. I just met a girl a couple days ago who's 18 and in step 1 of recovery in a full-time recovery center and she's doing iop as well. She's not even been sober 1 month. Heroine is what pushed her so low to the point that she realized she had to ask her parents for help and check herself into the treatment program, but she had been doing softer drugs since she was I'm going to start dating her casually - with the hope that she will stay clean and we can be happy dating together as long as we can.
Neither one of us are wanting to think about a more "serious" relationship as in moving in, meeting families, whatever but for different reasons. Her because she admits she's in a shitty place right now and she needs to focus on her recovery and not on a relationship.
And me because I have a family to protect from having people come in and out of their lives and I don't want to get hurt again either I'm divorced. But I really am hoping we have fun dating and the hopeless romantic in me always hopes for more of course So, does anyone have any tips on what I can do to keep her happy and in recovery and clean as much as I can? A little background. I am 56, met a beautiful, intelligent vivacious woman in We eventually became very close and almost married at one point.
I knew she liked her wine and many times had to help her get home. But got very close with the "L" word used often by both. Over the ensuing years she kicked me aside a few times to return to a man who abused physically, mentally and just treated her like dirt.
Why one may ask? Simple, money, he is 50 year old Trust Fund frat boy who hasn't had a job in 20 years. She once actually married the guy a couple of years ago but it only lasted a month.
Shortly after leaving this guy she came back into my life and things were actually okay for about a year until trust fund man started contact again. I always knew she drank wine every day with dinner as do I sometimes.
But after a couple of glasses I know to stop and do. We had a trip planned to the coast for a weekend. We woke the day of the trip and she informed me that I needed to take her to a rehab facility instead, which I did. This act was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. I found out she was drinking bottles of wine a night, alone. I also found an additional addiction to Klonopin that I had no idea about. I visited her on the days she could have visitors and felt she really didn't want me there.
I brought her home a month later and she started her new life. I knew she needed to work on her new life and didn't expect a lot from her, and I didn't get it. In short I realised that I really didn't have a spot in her life anymore. I made the hard adjustments I needed, of feeling used and did my best to live a happy fulfilling life, dating none but seeing many. I'd see her in town occasionally but would never speak. I ask friends to stop giving me information about her.
Last week she contacted asking me for coffee. In short after 3 years of sobriety she asked to start seeing me again. We had a real date and had a wonderful time and I did not drink in front of her. She says she doesn't mind if I do but feel that I can't. I don't want to be a reason for her relapse. She says she can't have alcohol in her home and won't be around a drunk, which I have never been. I know this has gotten long but I need help, I don't know where to go from here.
My heart still flutters when I see her but I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do with her. Can I say let's go to a place to dance that serves alcohol? I don't know where to go from here, please help! I was recently widowed and a very much younger man who drove for the local taxi service was a great help to me and we became friends and one Saturday night he called me and asked if he could take me out and reluctantly but excited to be with him and not alone I accepted.
And I soon found myself falling deeper in love with him. He admitted he was a heroin addict and had been in jail many times but this did not deter me. He is handsome and has an amazing personality and is fun to be with most of the time, although he was high most of the time.
I soon began helping him financially, as my late husband had provided well for me and my son, who is 3 years younger than my new found friend. The age difference did not deter me, but it was an issue for him but he accepted my financial help, moral support, and began staying over and we took trips together, I footed the bill, paid his rent, paid his bills and since I was inexperienced in the world of drug abuse was labeled an enabler and when I gave him money to pay his rent and other expenses, he spent it all on drugs.
Over the course of 3 months I have fallen in love with him and he has said that he does not feel the same attraction to me, but loves me only as a friend.
He lives in an apartment building I own, and I love him despite his addiction but he has made it clear that any future for us is unlikely. Now I have helped him through a self-imposed "detox" and he says he is through with drugs, and now he seems to be distancing himself from me and I am despondent, most likely I never gave myself a chance to grieve properly after my husband's death, and now I have to deal with a broken heart.
I feel so foolish and I hate myself for being so weak. He is a good person, a kind heart and caring but I know that someday he will find a younger woman and it will surely kill me, if he has not found someone already but I doubt it, he is still weak from his detox which he did last week, staying over my house for two days sleeping it off while I watched him suffer.
I feel so foolish and stupid. So for me, I wish I had never gotten involved with him, I should have known better but he has been my life for the past 3 months and I am still in love with him and it hurts like hell. He says he loves me and can never repay me for what I did for him, I did more for him than anyone in his life, he acknowledges that, but its no comfort to me because I want to be with him and I don't believe that will ever happen.
I love him unconditionally and completely. As a vulnerable widow, please hear me when I say RUN!! And I mean RUN and don't look back. Drug addicts are manipulators and this guy has worked his spell on you. You need to get away and find someone that is clean and sober, and will not need or want your money!! I know it is rough, because I've been there, and am still there, but I'd rather be by myself than to be with someone who is using me, or who I know WILL break my heart.
It's not a matter of "if" it's a matter of WHEN!!'RELATIONSHIPS DURING RECOVERY' by Peter Walker
The thought that he could give me a disease would be enough. You don't want your kid to be an orphan when you get AIDS. He doesn't love you the way you love him, so find someone that will worship the ground you walk on. But first, grieve for your dear husband.
Is it true that when you date a recovering addict, his or her friends from the support group will ostracize you? I recently read an article about a woman who dated a recovering addict and every time she got around him, his friends would isolate her. Why would they do that?
Recovery, not romance, should be the focus. Unattached addicts and alcoholics who are new in recovery shouldn't date or launch a new . sobriety and experience a painful breakup or other relationship tumult, share it with.
What should this woman have done to save the relationship? Why do these recovering addicts hate her so much? Initially angry for not being told, after realizing that he was a different person than his stories, I stuck with him, we made marriage plans and we moved in together with my children from a previous marriage. He became an executive at a large company, was active in his recovery and we had such plans for the future.
Happily, another 3 years went by and it was perfect Until he relapsed about 9 months ago and destroyed our household and all our dreams going forward. Some addictions go beyond what we know and what is shown on TV. Sometimes, there is not an escape for them, except through drugs. He says that every day he fights the desire to get high and one day, 9 months ago, he stopped fighting and succumbed. That is not a life I want for myself and my children never knowing if he gave up the fight again, so we have decided not to be apart of it.
I will remain his friend, especially through his recovery, but will not have a romantic relationship with him further. Going forward, I don't believe I will ever be with anyone that has an addiction, present or past Best of luck to anyone who can forgive Six ways people in recovery can avoid painkiller addiction post-surgery.
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Back Today. The Fallacy in "Evidence-Based" Treatment. David Sack M. How long does it take for someone to become "stable"? Submitted by Anonymous on April 30, - pm. It depends Submitted by Marion on March 11, - pm. Relationships with a. Submitted by Jocelynn on November 3, - pm. Advice Submitted by Anonymous on August 6, - am.
Good Advice Submitted by Anonymous on August 19, - pm. Submitted by Maureen Smithe on April 6, - am. I absolutely agree Submitted by k on September 26, - am. From one person in a glass house to another Submitted by Anonymous on October 15, - pm.
SOS ADDICTIONS l'association specialiste de la lutte contre les addictions aux substances psycho-actives (alcool, tabac, medicaments, cannabis, cocaine. For a person who determines they are an alcoholic and must remain you have the opportunity to talk and get to know each other, and if it. After dating one dud after another, you finally find someone who seems First, the recovering addict should have at least one year of sobriety.
Unfortunately, every Submitted by Anonymous on September 25, - am. Im 18 years old and recently Submitted by Anonymous on September 26, - am.
Anyone who's dating or in a relationship should visit this website. . Can a recovering alcoholic, 10 years sober with 1 short relapse and now 1 year I love to see two crazy people date each other; it's two other people's lives. Insomnia, triggers, drug cravings, and the need to deal with emotions that were People in recovery might choose to date a very different type of person when they first and the likelihood of staying sober increases with each year in recovery. When you date people outside recovery, you may feel like you can't be yourself. In other words, you shouldn't try to be each other's sponsor.
Submitted by Anonymous on December 20, - pm. Anonymous wrote:. The relationship was 3 Submitted by Anonymous on November 22, - am. The relationship was 3 months, not his time in recovery. Dating an recovery addict Submitted by Anonymous on November 18, - pm. Dating a drug user Submitted by Me too on July 25, - am. Still unsure Submitted by Anonymous on January 13, - am. Dating someone 1 year sober, not sure if I should keep dating Submitted by Anonymous on February 13, - am.
Dating someone 1 year sober, not sure if I should keep dating Submitted by Anonymous11 on February 13, - pm. Hurt and confused Submitted by Anonymous on May 4, - am. Alcoholic Past Relationship Submitted by gary on June 22, - am. Hope your moving on with your life now and you are better off without them in your life " Please let me say that because you loved him you took his responses to you personally, but here is what I've learned. Dating a addict on the way to recovery Submitted by Anonymous on June 9, - am.
I have been married and have Submitted by Anonymous on June 9, - am. Don't waste your time Submitted by Anonymous on June 11, - am. Don't waste your time Submitted by Anonymous on July 2, - pm. The Submitted by Anonymous on June 10, - am. Run to the nearest exit Submitted by Anonymous on June 28, - pm. Save yourself the heartache.
Never again. In love with a recovering addict but i like to drink Submitted by Anonymous on July 10, - pm. It is sad, the stigma that Submitted by Anonymous on July 10, - pm. Short I am an alcoholic- I am also that stud in the coffee shop. Should I marry him at all???
Submitted by Anonymous on July 12, - am. Dear Anonymous, Your problem sounds very similar to mine. Confused Submitted by Anonymous on July 12, - pm. Is there any hope at all? Submitted by Anonymous on August 4, - am.
I don't know what to do. Submitted by I'm not afraid, my name is Michael on August 5, - pm. But what you need to do now is RUN as far away from him as possible!!
Support groups Submitted by Anonymous on August 30, - pm. Still scrubbing heroin off the walls Submitted by Angry on September 9, - pm. Previous Page 1 current Next. Post Comment Your name. E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Notify me when new comments are posted. All comments. Replies to my comment. Leave this field blank. More Posts. Surviving Surgery Without Opioid Addiction Six ways people in recovery can avoid painkiller addiction post-surgery.