My partner isn’t ready for commitment (but wants to be ‘friends’) — Susan WinterAll Rights Reserved. Terms and Conditions of Service. Jerry Seinfeld wisely observed that breaking up with someone was like trying to tip over a soda machine. You have to get it rocking. Once it is moving and unstable, only then you can push it over.
With my mum. He knew I could not travel alone, our traditions dot let me do this, and he was ok with that. During the trip he was shy, and I unfortunately could not rid of it. After he got back he was distant. I was worried and he said he had gotten a stomach upset after our trip and a new job was quite stressful.
I wanted to force him to eat healthy at the least. Made an ultimatum of he didn't eat healthy for the 2 weeks at least, I would not talk to him. He became spiteful. I said nothing. I just wanted to help.
In 2 weeks he said his feelings didn't grow and that we needed to breakup. We did. I was devastated. I turned off all the means he could contact me.
He contacted dad twice. Dad convinced me to get back to him and tell that I was alright. Then he started texting me that he really missed the hugs and then that he spent new years alone I mean without a girl or something related and was wondering if I had a new year kiss. I said I was with my family. Then I ignored him. He wrote me on Skype then he wrote me on viber.
I got angry and wipe him that I was not responsible for his clothes that he left due to his distracted attention. My feelings were hurt as I thought he just wanted hos clothes so much. Didn't even asked how had I been. He apologised for his behaviour that he offended me so much.
I told we offended each other. After that I contacted him. We had a sexy chat for about a month. The whole month I was devastating didn't know what is going on between both of us. Finally when he asked me whether I'm interested in him sexually I said that don't to be used when he wanted to masturbate.
He said I meant more to him than that. I suggested to stay friends on fb but nothing more. He asked why stay linked if I don't want to be friends.
I said that we never were friends we were flirting and he said that why make it even harder Then he told that there had been times since we split that he felt real aspiration towards me and wanted to say that he loves me.
But then he added he didn't know what that means. After that we started communicating. Had so many sexy chats and skype dating on Saturdays. He asked me whether we could meet again but I said I was going to apply to university and had lots of stuff to do. Was pouring me aside. Getting back to me late. So I've decided to end this stuff.
I told that there was no point to us communicating since my feelings grow. He said he didn't know what to do, that I'm amazing but he can't commit to what I want. It really hurt me. I said all the time I thought we had more than a friendship. He said we had and he never meant me only as a friend. But he already told all the stuff i didn't even ask.
So we 'broke up' again. We didn't talk for 12 days. And yesterday he asked how are you. I said I'm alright. He asked about uni and I told uni has contacted me and they will consider me for the next intake.
He said would I like to change unis as I chose the uni which is in his city I said no. He texted that we could be friends when I get there and he misses getting chat to me more. But before that my suitor texted him that I was into that guy and called the suitor that guy's name twice and that guy should not let me go, that he wouldn't if he were that guy. He doesn't want me but why he insists to be friends?
He had lots of exes he is friends with. Why he wants to include me in the list? It hurts so much :'. I fell hard and fast with a guy who I have had a crush on since I was a teenager. We were both in relationships over the years but the sight of him always made me tingle inside. I made a bad decision. I got pregnant, at a very late age, late 40's this was not intentional, nor expected in my wildest dreams or nightmares.Let’s Be Friends & No Contact
It just happened. I struggled at first whether or not to tell him. I worried and wondered how it could ever work. He was supportive and let me know that it was my decision once I told him.
I lost the baby at 4 months and became depressed. I didn't even want to have the child, but feeling something grow inside changes a woman profoundly. He became angry never at me he was distant, uninterested in sex, and I became insecure.
I started drinking beer in the afternoon.
Guy wants to be friends after dating
This is not me. I had always been a healthy and happy person, with good habits and self control.
Not anymore, I lost it I felt us slipping away. I knew it was spiraling down but couldn't control my emotions. One night we got into a big fight and although it was just alot of yelling and crying never, ever and physical abuse- we are both very kind souls but the neighbor a snoopy lady who had obviously had a crush on him forever called the cops.
They showed up and realized right away there was nothing going on that warranted the call. But, he saw this as a 'sign' and a 'red flag' and told me the next day that he didn't love me anymore and that I had to get out of his life and his house.
This was so traumatic for me I can hardly type it. I know how harsh it sounds and I am still sufferint 10 months later. He says he's realized he isn't capable. I just had to post. I am so hurt, betrayed and self-blaming. We have hooked up once since then and I feel like a fraud.
I am pretending I am ok I am thinking he will come around I have tried so hard to find fun and enjoy my life but I am crushed. My heart is just not healing from this Was really great reading the article, I'm currently stuck between staying friends with a guy or letting him go. We meet 2 months ago, he comes to work when dropping stuff off and we get along well. In the beginning he was abit distant and I could see he had a bad past. We starting talking more frequent recently, I'm very shy when his around but more open over text so I would eventually flirt with him and he would never go over board with me.
He has mentioned that he wants to be friends cause I'm cool and he needs friends like me. I told him I had a crush on him but have moved on and don't mind friendship since I was hurt in the past as well.
When his physically around he flirts and will touch my leg and he has asked me thou if that's okay and I said yes we can still stay friends and flirt and the problem is I accepted the part of us being just friends but apart of me wants to be the one to hold him when his sad and it gets hard cause I do really like him but don't want to break what we have.
He mentioned that he trust me and his against relationships right now because of the past and what we have is perfect and I agree to all of it yet it hurts knowing I can't be his better half. Haven't been through this before so its confusing and hurtful. Hello Jane, I am having this same situation in my life yet the man of my affections keeps giving me mixed signals. He had told me in the beginning that we were friends and that was fine with me, as I had another boyfriend at the time.
Then my boyfriend and I broke up and my male friend, we'll call him Jack, began hanging out more and more. He would call me late at night and we'd talk for hours, he'd text me regularly thru the day We would go out and eat regularly, go to plays, take long walks at the parks, and even go shopping together One time when I was sick, he was really sweet to me and got groceries for me. I told him this was too nice of him and that he as being really sweet to do that He had said it sooo softly, and so I ignored it, acting like I didn't really hear it He would buy me little gifts and talk romantic to me, and even sometimes call me his lover or girlfriend.
It was all so very confusing because he would never really make any moves accept to give me hugs regularly and hold my hand occasionally when we would take walks. Even though I would casually date other guys All of this remained sooo confusing.
All of our friends, and even people who would just hang around in our group but didn't know us too well, would ask if we were a couple and that they saw that he really liked me. After talking to some of my close girlfriends about it they encouraged me to talk to him, but I was always too chicken to because I didn't want to lose his friendship. Well, one of my girlfriends decided she'd had enough of this back and forth and decided to tell him I had feelings for him and that I was waiting for him to make a move.
He said She said that he better get his rear in gear or he'll risk losing me to someone else. He then stated that we were just friends and that he didn't want to talk about it.
After telling me all this, I decided to just see if he would make some kind of bold move He just started acting more romantic, talking more romantic, and asking me more of what kind of things I expected in a relationship. He seemed to try to get closer. This went on for about a few months and it would eat me up inside because I wanted to be more intimate with him, tell him how I was feeling and take things farther then a friendship.
So, with prodding from my girl friends, I decided to confront him and told him that I was aware of his previous conversations with my girlfriend, and why was he talking to her and not me. That my feelings had changed for him. He stated that we had already talked about this, and that he was most comfortable being friends and that is what we were. I told him that I needed some distance then to get over my feelings and I left his house.
A few days later I went by his house to talk to him, he was home but didn't answer the door.
If you've ever been dumped, and agreed to staying friends after a One of the worst things that can happen to your dating life is getting hung up on If you want to be friends with an ex, this is another area where you'll need. Home>Forums>Relationships>We dated now he wants to be friends only:/ New Reply. This topic contains 7 So I?ve dated this guy for month and half. We had perfect I was able to answer two days after that I respect it. And we?ll maybe. Why does your male friend keep you as a friend if he doesn't want to a guy will remain your friend, even if he's not wanting to date you. I put it another way when talking to a female friend of mine, "not every man wants to F.
I texted him saying that I wanted to talk and that our friend getting involved confused things and that I wanted to try and explain things. He texted back saying he had nothing to say about it, he wanted me stop trying to engage him in conversation with this subject and that we were still friends and always had been. I texted him several times since then to tell him I'd still like to talk and that I've missed him and our conversations, but he just responds that it's not a good time and sometime we will, he's sure of it.
I responded, " I guess when your ready, U know how to find me", and left it at that. It has been a whole other month now and he is still ignoring me, yet tells our mutual friends things He never really used to tell them things really before especially not at 3am or 6am in the morning I am truly, truly having a hard time letting this go.
I miss him terribly and just want us to be friends again. It is killing me to not have him as part of my life. I'm a big girl, I think I could suck it up and just be friends with him, even though my heart says something different.
Also, he has had some issues from when he was a child and feels like he has always been crapped on by women. Some of the women he has dated were really demanding and mean, from what he's told me. I always told him he had relationships with the wrong kind of women. He said that whenever someone really gets to know him, they always leave him. Not sure what he meant by that He has some self esteem issues and is rather an introvert.
I think he only has 1 other friend, a guy friend, besides me. What do you think he feels here? Am I just wasting my time, hoping? What should I do? I truly do care about him and have fallen for him when I truly never expected to. I don't even know where to begin.
Met him in and we became instant friends. I was in a committed relationship, and he was married. I lived on the east coast, he lives on the west coast - so much of our friendship was built over email and phone calls.
We both consider ourselves best friends. I was introduced to him during a visit to the west coast where we met over lunch my friend, too and discussed moving forward with a non-profit. I am in charge of this non-profit and he and I are very active in the cause of this organization. Due to the nature of this non-profit, I moved to the west coast to get more done and to be more active. One week to the day I moved, his wife left him for another man. He turned to me, and I helped him through the process of recovering.
We became even closer and the relationship became intimate.
During the past year, he has told me that he's not available but also would ask me to bear with him. Which I have.
Three weeks ago, he pulled back and said that he loves me dearly, but just cannot continue with the intimacy until he has had time to work on himself, and mourn the loss of his marriage. He's also made reference that this needs to happen because he doesn't want me to be the consolation prize, wants me to be number one - and until he can stand on his own two feet feels that he's being unfair to me and is unavailable.
For him, I have been a sounding board, best friend through what was a very emotional, hurtful divorce. I am trying to remain friends with him, but my heart is broken and he knows this. I am beyond devastated, should have known better, the whole gamut and am depressed, suicidal and suddenly unable to find the assertive, independent woman I once was.
I am frozen and honestly don't know what to do. Do I end the friendship knowing we have a business to run? Does he need time to work things out or is he keeping me on the back burner?
Do they ever try? Of course not! In my opinion, guys never actually want to be your friend after you break up. Here's why. Sometimes you're at different places in life, or you want different Of course, it's disappointing when a dating relationship doesn't work out, but. This guy has made it pretty clear he just wants to be friends. And when a guy says that believe us he means it, otherwise he's doing everything.
He still wants to see each me, and for all intents and purposes is a good friend aside from dealing with his divorce. Just doesn't want intimacy right now. Am I crazy? You're not crazy. It's completely understandable you feel the way you feel. What needs to happen here is you focusing on yourself and what you want regardless of him and what he tells you.
You want more, he can't give you more. From that point you need to do what's best for you, the most loving thing you can do for YOU. Only you know what that is. You need to take care of you. Don't put your sanity and well being in someone else's hands.
They'll drop them. We're all here for you. Do what you have to do to get your business dealings separate from him, first and foremost. Secondly, never mix business and pleasure. I just did something like this and I so badly want this womanizing jerk out of my life, but he's been using our business dealings to keep hope alive for our personal relationship aka he gets ALL the benefits of me without the commitmentalthough he just wants to be my "friend" after we slept together for almost a whole year.
No dice here playa. I've met someone new and trying to see where this is going, if anywhere and I expressed to him that he has to go because it may jeopardize my relationship with the new guy and he STILL was not understanding of that and tried to come up with more projects for us to work on just to keep me somewhere in his life. And I tried just being his friend, but then he was still taking full advantage of that. That's not fair to me. I give and give and give and he takes and takes until some days I feel like I have nothing left.
But I do now. Since I told him exactly how I felt, I gained back my sanity and my power. I'm sliding him completely out of my life. We have one more project to finish, and he's DONE! I even told him this and of course he was very upset about it. Who cares? Told me he loved me like someone in his family? They will say anything to get what they want, but sadly now, there's nothing he can say or do to get me back to that place where I was.
I told him friends is not who we are. I never can ever understand how two people who used to sleep together can just be friends. That means someone is getting over and the other person is getting played. Don't allow yourself to be played. If he chooses to not be in a relationship with you, he does not get another choice to just be your friend.
No No No. You let it be your choice. If you're cool with being friends, then OK, but if you're not cool with just being his friend and you're only agreeing to it to keep him in your life, RUN!!
I honestly felt heart broken because after so many disappointments in my life, he was the only one who made me feel like I could trust and love again. It also came as a surprise because everything between us was great. He asked if we could remain friends and I refused, telling him my feelings were too involved and that it would be too hard for me. I have missed him ever since but it would have been much worse if I would have remained just as a friend :'.
I am so thankful that I came across this article! I felt as if your response was personalized for me. I have been friends with a man I met in 8th grade 20 yrs ago I'm tired of being with him on his terms of friends, when I feel that we have a beautiful foundation to have a relationship that some people spend their lives searching for I have an unconditional love for that man and I will love him from a far because, I know that is not fair to me!
Thanks so much I cried and cried reading this article, it was so enlightening for me. No one understood the complexity of my relationship with this man, friends nor my mother so many times I got advice I hated.
The Do's and Don’ts of Post-Dating Friendship
Thanks for your finesse about it! I was tired of being mean to myself about it. In the pass when we've separated it was from anger or hurt about something Thanks again! You're so welcome, Alexis. I'm so glad reading this was so enlightening for you.
Peace of mind and clarity can never be underestimated; they matter so much! It all comes down to this: The best way to get someone to see your value is to reject anything less than what you feel you deserve. You deserve a guy who will show you how much he cares, who won't leave you on the hook, who won't treat you as something that's his for the taking. If he wants your time, your affection, your approval, he has to work for it gosh darn it! Never, ever, want someone who doesn't want you.
First off, someone who can't see your innate value doesn't deserve a place in your precious heart. So true, Melanie. Thank you. And especially this "Never, ever, want someone who doesn't want you.
I so needed to find this site tonight! I am just coming home from an emotionally draining evening My husband died in and I met a man through work about 7 months later and we've had an on again off again relationship ever since We would both acknowledge that it has been pretty serious from an emotional perspective, but I have always wanted to move forward and for us to become a real couple. We've had lots of ups and downs and I would say I have never met anyone, even my late husband, who I had more in common with and was more compatible with in all areas that matter in a significant relationship, except the physical relationship!!
Well, after much pushing from me lately, he finally told me a few days ago that he decided he didn't want a romantic relationship with me, but still wanted us to continue our relationship, virtually the same as it has been!
I was very emotional the last couple of days and asked that we could meet for dinner tonight. That was probably a mistake! He reiterated his position and told me he came there tonight to salvage our friendship and how much he cares and loves me, blah, blah, blah! It was SO hard, but I told him that if there wasn't a chance for us to grow into a complete romantic relationship, including the physical side of that, i didn't couldn't still be his friend! He didn't like this and told me I would eventually change my mind I told him I would not!
He stared at me intensely for nearly 2 min. I believe this is the only way I'll ever get what I want or know that it really is never going to be, but I'm afraid of losing him and afraid I can't stick to what I said, but I know I have to I hate this so much Just coming here for some reassurance that I did the right thing!
I need to be strong to accept that I can move forward without him and that I deserve so much more than our partial relationship!
Thanks for listening!! Always here to listen, Joy. Don't doubt yourself; if it drains you, if you feel strongly about these boundaries you're setting around yourself, your emotions, your willingness to put yourself somewhere where you don't belong, trust those feelings. You always know more than you think you do. And no, you're never alone. And if someone gets there themselves, you'll always be the first to know - regardless of whether you chose to stay friends or not. I met a guy and fell head over heels in love and he felt the same.
The problem is I kept something from him in the beginning and when I could come clean, I should have but was afraid I would lose him. I finally knew that I had to be honest with him and told him and he was mad at first but calmed down somewhat and we continued a romantic relationship. He eventually told me that he could not seem to forget that I had lied to him and how important honesty was and how he wasn't sure he could ever trust me.
I walked away and over a year later, he reached out to me and we became friends once again. The friendship led to a friends with benefits and even though he was completely honest with me about his position, I wanted him in my life in some way so I accepted it knowing that I would not be able to handle it but trying it anyway. After about three months of this, he met someone and began to date so obviously the benefits stopped. We ended up getting into a huge argument when instead of just telling me he was seeing someone, he lied to me about it and we were supposedly friends.
At the end of the fight, he said he wished me no ill will but did not see me as part of his life in any way. I told him I was sorry to hear that but would respect his decision. I was not so I simply replied that I was sorry he would think I could do such a thing but that it was not me.
He text me thanks and that was it. Then two days later, he texts me again at night asking me a question about how training is going with my new personal trainer I am getting ready for a fitness competition and he knew about ithours after the girl he is supposedly seeing left his house and I just didn't respond.
I think that was the best course of action for me as normally I would have jumped to text him back and he knew that. My question is, why if you want me completely out of your life and you flat out said so, are you reaching out to me even if it is just a random question to be "nice"?
You cannot tell someone one day you don't see them in your life in any capacity and then a few days later text and act like everything is fine. Is that just a man's mind working? It's the mind of a man who wants to keep all his options open - who knows what a prize you really are! Be so proud of yourself for not jumping to texting him back like you might have done in the past, Georgia.
This is about what you want, about what works for you and what doesn't. Feel the power in owning that. That's you! HI Jane. Sorry I have not been on line over the last few weeks, but I have not disappeared.
Your site has been heaven sent to me over the last several months. Thank god. I have been meeting a few men, but they ask for no dates. They find me interesting, but not phone numbers. I hope you remember me - I met the guy who I spoke to for almost two years.
When I asked, could we take a friendship to another level - he said "I don't know. I'm over him, yet I seem to attract the same type of person. I tried online datng for the first time. It is nerve racking to put yourself out there.
I can feel I'm very guided and cautious. Total strangers seeing your photograph and some info. Not all, but some.
If a guy says he doesn't want to date you anymore, immediately Why does my ex still want to be friends with me after he broke up with me?. But what happens when you actually want to be friends – is it possible? I went out with a guy last winter for a few dates and while we got along very well, it just, . I am in love with a guy who just wants to be friends how do I stop. . I wasn't sure what I wanted since I have never dated anyone for fear of.
It appears I am attracted to men from out of state then locals. One I just finished speaking week over a week span.
He lives out of state, and I have to be honest. There could be an attraction, but I could feel myself getting a bit nervous, so I told him, you live there and I live here. So, he wanted to be online friends. Then I felt odd. Thought about it for a few days. If I would have been more open because he would have come to my statewe could have met and seen if there was chemistry btwn us.
Is Friendship Possible after Dating?
I mean ultimately I believe you have to be attracted. After speaking this morning. He said to me, he would like to be friends he changed his tune.
So, I said, I think we should just move on. Time is too precious. Another words, I was not looking for a pen pal. Wished him the best. He at one point said, I'm not the crazy one. I rebutted by saying. I told him, in a nice way. Oh, he stated I like you and you amuse me beforehand. Again, Ultimately, we are not on the same page.
I gave him a mixed signal, I know. It's my fear that was rearing it's little head, Yet, if a person is truly interested - would they see you through that challenge. I am a bit on the timid side, so it's easier to express yourself on line.
I think that had a great bearing on it. Yet, his intution told him, friends. I'm not going down that path for another two years. Exactly, Denise. It is precious because it's YOUR time! Turn it around; see it as you getting to see them, you getting to know them, you getting to choose them, them putting themselves out there - making themselves vulnerable - for you to see in the hopes of you choosing them. Feel that difference. You're doing the choosing! And be glad you found out what he was like and what page he was and wasn't on before you spent any more of your beautiful time and energy there.
I am in a similar position but need help. I met him 6 months ago and we hit it off big time, we have so much in common and everything was going great till I found out his wife he was divorcing had died if cancer only 2 months before we met and his two small kids, that I had met and was getting on well with, couldn't cope.
Then he ended up having ptsd and had a melt down. I have tried to walk away so many times and said I can't do the friends thing but he always comes back.
He has been open and honest about it and says he wants me in his life in whatever capacity but he can't be rushed and I accept that having been in the same situation as him before. I'm just confused really as to whether I keep it as friends or just say to get his head sorted without me and if he does want me to contact.
Thing is I know he will lol Maria. As Jane would say to us: what do you feel is the best for you? Regardless of what he needs, you need to make the best decision for yourself. It comes down to you and you alone. Only you know what feels right to you.
Can you honestly be there as friends? Probably often enough that if you actually stayed friends with all those exes, your squad would field a baseball team. I explained this to him, and he said he understood but he wanted to be my friend after he took some time. So a couple weeks later when he reached out asking if we could get drinks I happily accepted.
It started innocently enough. But when I mentioned one night that I had gone out with someone a handful of times and it was going well, he got angry that I was dating other people. If I had to work late and cancel, same thing. We parted ways. So ask yourself if your request of friendship is fair to the other party.
I, like many, take my friendships very seriously and put a lot of time and effort into being a good friend. No matter how advanced we become, our nature determines our actions sometimes… The nature of hetero people is to be with a member of the opposite sex; to procreate and find a suitable mate reverse the order there, obviously. That's just my thought. Taylor says I'm wrong. But she's just a girl, what does she know, anyway? For those wanting a little more clarification as to where Taylor and I stand on the topic of Men, Women and Friendships, see below:.
Hmm, but consider that our friendships with the opposite sex are all about fulfilling our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs from a relationship. Sometimes we don't get them all in one place, so we split them and call them friendships.
Sometimes we can't get them from a partner and rely on opposite sex friendships to fill the gaps. Since male physical needs seem to dominate his being, it stands to reason that all of his female relationships are a component of that.
Either he will have sex with them if the opportunity arises, or she will be able to help him acquire other females. This is no different that women placing male friends in the "friend box" because they wan all of their emotional needs taken care of by someone they don't have to sleep with.
Most often yes. But some women are just so cool that I want to know them for the cool stuff that they say and do. I have more than a few female friends who I find attractive, but hang out with because, like you say, they have cool things to talk about and are interesting.
Food, booze and sex. Everybody love attention from the opposite sex. I recently met a stranger whom approached me on the street and made the effort to get to know me then eventually asked for my number. Saying that he makes the effort to see me everyday sometimes twice a day. He does stuff like sending random texts like how are you?
He offers to help me with everything, work, borrowing me stuff and I feel I know a lot about him. But we are just friends. Next Diary of a Blank Man.
Like this: Like Loading Posted by yannibmbr Alex is the founder, creative director and managing editor at the Urban Dater. All Posts. I put it another way when talking to a female friend of mine, "not every man wants to F you…but, every man will if presented the right set of parameters those parameters vary, but usually focus on if you are hot, they hope their friends find out about it…if you are not, they will only if noone ever speaks of it again BTW, the month of October will see the return of ClueXFour to regularly scheduled programming.
Alex September 21, at am. Thank you, sir! And, yeah, you're slacking off, bro. Get back on that blogging horse!!! Taylor Cast September 21, at am. I do appreciate it.