Are You Just A Booty Call? (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)By Chris Seiter. Most of the clients I work with are in situations where their exes have broken up with them. I know there have been a lot of debates about this but I think there is a bit more power that goes to the person that breaks up with the other person. We mistakenly recommended the no contact rule to a few women who found themselves in this rare position and watched as things fell apart and their exes moved on or became unresponsive. One day my wife got the idea to take the opposite approach and recommend a more direct track by just simply asking the ex out for a cup of coffee and admit that a mistake was made with the breakup. Even if you did break up with your ex and regret your decision.
You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man — one that treats you with respect and kindness.
Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him. And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. If you want things to change — then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy. Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best and only way for a man to have sex with you — is to romance you.
Period, case closed. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man — and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU romancing you. You have something he wants sex : Make him work for it romance.
Do that and you will be happy.
You will be treated with respect and kindness. This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself — and making a man treat you with such.
Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming.
So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. So if 74 frogs leap away from you — realize that the 75th is on his way to you.
Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works. Can you use No Contact when you want your Ex boyfriend back who left to be with another woman? Do we initiate contact or move on? Na, No contact will only really work if the man is contacting you or if you're seeing him and you decide to disappear and begin to use it for whatever reason he's acting up, treating you poorly, taking you for granted, etc.
If he doesn't contact you, then you move on. If a man genuinely likes you, he'll seek you out. However, should he reappear someday and most of them doyou can employ no contact by not answering and then waiting to respond. Anetra, Well that's going to be a tad bit difficult for obvious reasons. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's possible or not because I'm not sure what the setting at work is. Meaning, is he right in your face or is he in the same building is all.
The best I think I could suggest here is to practice it with the phone calls and texts and then when you're at work, attempt to avoid him. Not blatently, but just be busy somewhere else in the office as much as possible.
And if he approaches you to speak there, just be short and make excuses like, "I can't speak right now, I'm very busy, I have to go. We'll talk later. Just Wondering, I don't think this tactic matters much with regards to the zodiac sign.
Works on men and women both. And come hither men, Taurus men, will still take action all men take action at some point in time. They go after what they want. It's just that they make sure they're going to be successful by putting a lot into it, leading up to it. By spending time around the women, getting a feel for them, finding out what they want, what they want to hear, etc.
And then taking action and moving in on them, using everything he's learned, spoon feeding them what they want and what they want to hear. They use what they've learned about the woman by hanging out with her to manipulate her.
Great article, thanks so much for posting! How long does it normally take a guy to reach out to me again after he disappeared? I'm swiss and this whole disappearing thing is totally new to me and any help and advice is greatly appreciated: Thank you!
Anonymous, There are no real set time frames we can use to predict one's actions, however, I've noticed that reappearances tend to occur at either two weeks, one month, two months, 3 months, 6 months or one year.
I've even had them resurface after two or three years, LOL. Hi, I'm dealing with a man who is doing the "No Contact" thing. I'm always thinking about him cause he disappeared on me without warning. He came back out of no where. I read your other articles about the disappearing man and the Taurus. I don't know his sign but, how do I stop thinking about him? It is hard, and he is good at this. I feel like chasing him, but I know its bad and when I date other men I always compare them to him.
I don't want to think about him anymore. Anonymous, If you don't want to think about him anymore, then you use no contact on HIM. Start tomorrow and tell yourself you will not speak to this man, answer a text or a respond to a call for 30 days. No matter how many attempts he makes. And you will see, as the days and weeks go by, he'll occupy less and less of your head space. After the 30 days, see how you feel.
See if you even still want him and then proceed accordingly from there. I wish i had seen this site b4 meeting this taurus guy i am seeing. We met in september and things have been great but one thing i dont get it that he doesnt make an effort to see me at all because initially i made a mistake of always going to see him. Last week he disappeared for three days and since then he resurfaced after the third day and since then he is been calling and asking if the is something wrong.
I dont answer immdediately i take time and the responce is always sweet and short. I feel i didnt give him a chance to be the man of the relationship was always being there for him. How do i move my relationship further. Anonymous, I think you just need to stop taking the lead and sit back and let him step into that position. Let him ask to see you, let him ask for dates and let him initiate the contact.
Hey, very informative articles! I have a question for you. I had an interesting situation with a man. Its been a long and twisty story since last march, but I'll cut to the end. We had seen each other on occasion with occasional phone calls and texts.
It was going very slow. I knew that he had other "friends" and got nervous if I didn't hear from him and would usually text "hi" after hearing nothing for a week. Then he would call say we should do something, then fall off the face of the earth again. And this would repeat until finally we had made a plan. We had a great date, we really connected, and he stayed at my place from 11 pm to 6 pm the next day, we danced, shared stories and fell asleep holding each other.
When he left, He left saying he had such a good time, and that he was making list of movies for us to watch, leaving with something I'd lent him. Then nothing, I texted, he said he was crazy busy, that he'd have more time after.
I didn't hear from him for three weeks after, so I e-mailed him to get my stuff back, he texted a week later, at the end saying he had wanted to keep in contact, he then called, and we saw each other shortly after. It was another amazing time, this time at his place, we were truly smitten and connecting again it was written all over both our faces the shy yet exuberant excitement.
I slept there and woke up to him holding my hand. We hung out more that day until we left and parted ways in the afternoon.
A couple weeks later we had another outing, he was a bit more aloof at first which I thought was strange since we'd had such great fun the last time, then it eased up and by the time we parted ways,he said we should do this more often. I suggested a day, but he was seeing someone else then, but maybe he could cancel.
Never heard back, texted a hello a couple weeks later. The next day I get a text saying he just wants a friendly relationship, but truly enjoyed everything we'd done, and he was ready to do more of that if I wanted.
I was confused and didn't answer. I was out on a date at the end of that week, he happened to be on a date at the next table. I was already out and missed them both and didn't respond. That following week I was out late one night, and noticed when I got home that I had pocket dialed him super super late, my heart sank into my stomach.
Its been about 3 weeks since and I haven't contacted him, I haven't heard from him either. I was hoping he would try again, should I initiate contact with him at this point, to open the door for him to do that? Anonymous, Initiate contact if you can handle a no strings attached situation - that you'll never expect a relationship out of.
Because he's clearly keeping his options open and dating other women. I hate to say this, but you're in his "rotation" and when your turn comes up, that's when you hear from him. Which is why there are long breaks in between communications. And it sounds like in between his rotation, he's actually seeing someone and I imagine she's clueless about his "rotation" of women. If you want something casual, go for it although I don't believe "casual sex" for women exists - women bond through sex and ultimately become attached and want more.
If you want a relationship, forget it and walk away. He's not ready for one nor does it sound like he desires one. Hi mirror of aphrodite, My name is Mariana. Im a 27 year old latino godess: dealing with a 36 year old boy for 8 months.
I thought the age diffrence would help but they all babies. This boy is driving me crazy. He seem to be really into me even was saying im a be his wife then he start telling me he been feeling depressed and sad but that is not about me n he miss me.
He said his job be having him feeling crazy. He a aries and I heard they are like that. Plus he have a disease that can make him depressed. I backed off for some days but then i didnt want to seem like i dont care so I call him.
He did not answer. Then after a few more days I got mad and wanted to meet with him to tell him I was done so I send a text saying I want to talk to you, when r u free? He didnt respond. Two weeks later he texed me saying he talking about how glad he is that we are friends.
I took this like he trying to be smart ass because he asked me to be his girlfriend before all this BS happen and I said no because I wasnt ready.
So I respond saying great. Thank u. Then I text him a couple days later saying that I want to come over and talk to him and he told me that he traveled and would let me know when he come back. I left a message on his phone saying if you dont want to be with me just tell me. He didnt say nothing. So I started the no contact rule. I love him and want to be with him but i dont know whats wrong with him? What u think about this? You think he still love me?
Hi, i decided to break up with my boyfriend because i went through his msgs with his ex and he told her that he doesn't have a girlfriend meanwhile he asked me out and i accepted after three months, but i never told him, i just stopped contacting him and he did the same.
After two months he chatted me up like though nothing happened and i didn't reply till he tried calling me. Mariana, I don't know about this one, honey. He sounds real sketchy and shady. All that BS talk and all those disappearances are not good signs. He's either seeing other women, he's married, living with someone, is a drug dealer or a drug addict - whatever it is, I think he's up to no good. Especially since he doesn't offer an explanation.
And I wouldn't believe anything he's telling you because his actions say otherwise. When a man's actions or anyone's for that matter don't align with their words - it's BS. Anonymous Dec. Just because you accepted a date from him doesn't make him your boyfriend. He's only your boyfriend if: 1 You both have exchanged "I love you" 2 He's asked for a commitment 3 He's agreed to be exclusive If none of those three things took place, you can't consider a man your boyfriend. So I'm not sure if what he told her was a lie, or was just the reality as he saw it.
However, based on the fact that he disappeared after that and didn't seek you out - it seems he may only be "half interested.
Thanks for all the advices to all of us, especially clueless or newbies like me in this dating world! Thank you for the great article. My boyfriend and I have broken up 2 months ago.
Our reason of breakup is about incompatibility issues that I've always argued about and he has gone tired of it - which i know, is my own fault. He told me he loves me still during the day he said he wanted an "off". I pleaded, I begged, I bombarded him with apologies and how much I regret everything I have done and said. Then I stopped when I felt like, texting him and getting no replies hurt me more. My question is, is it too late for me to do No contact rule if I have done the "no-no" begging?
Yesterday was our anniversary too, and before that, he has told my friend that if I didn't bombard him during those times, we could still be together by now if I have just waited for him to come to me Is it too late for me? Anonymous, Sure, anything is possible.
But not overnight or from one or two instances. The no contact in this case might have to be for a month if not two. He really needs some serious space.
Now the question, I'd been dating a nice girl for a month or two we got along well but not very serious, no sex yet and no real full day dates [just. Here are 2 examples of when the No Contact Rule can work after breaking up a . been dating for a few weeks and she already sees herself moving in with him, . a relationship with a guy and enjoy it because the sex between them is great. Dating is the route to a relationship – stop taking shortcuts that sell you short. Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable.
And in this instance, you need to make him come to you. So even if he does contact you, you need to not respond for a month - possibly two here.
Give him plenty of space, plenty of time to think - and he may miss you. Thank you so much! I hope this will really help. And by the way, today is my birthday, and I would consider this as a gift! I have been in an online long distance relationship with a Capricorn guy I'm a Taurus for a year now.
We met last October on IMVU and started out as friends, and then in December we exchanged phone numbers and Skype info and started 'dating.
Anyway we decided in January of this year to be exclusive even though we haven't met yet and I was supposed to go see him on the 28th of this month.
I bought a plane ticket and everything I should also add that he's bipolar so he has these weird mood swings. One day he'll be affectionate and sweet and then bam he ignores me for a week. I'll text and call and even if he's on Skype he won't answer back. So then I stop and a few more days go by and then I see him online again and say hi. He always does that he's been doing that the whole year we've been together so Ive come to expect it but I still can't stop myself from getting worried or trying to contact him when he does this.
So he kept telling me all this year that he needed to see me in person so bad and I finally buy this plane ticket and the closer it gets to the end of the month, he starts saying things like "i can't wait for you to come, but it's so bad over here, I don't even know if I'll even have a home when you get here" or "mom kicked me out last night so this visit might not happen" or "half of me wants this so bad, and the other half wants to stop it. And he was talking about how much he loved me and how it was honestly better if he came to see me instead.
So we decided to wait and have him come visit me. I have literally invested a year of my life into this man, I'm like obsessed with him. I think I need to do the no contact rule because I'm always the first to contact him anyway. He never calls or texts, he normally stays on skype alot but even then I'm normally the first person to say anything to him.
One time I decided not to contact him to see if he would contact me first? I did it for 4 days. I didn't text or call, but I was on Skype two of the days, but didn't say anything to him. He didn't say anything to me either. So instead of calling or texting So I called him and he turned everything around on me making it seem like I was the one in the wrong.
After that I've gone back to doing all the work in the relationship. Now after this failed visit and a plane ticket that I'm not going to use and spent money on, I'm tired. So what should I do now. I'm honestly drained Anonymous, Well, I see a couple of things here. You cannot have a relationship with someone you've never met. That's an aquaintance or a friendship at best. Anything online is "virtual" meaning - it doesn't exist in "reality. That doesn't make sense. Mental illness does not produce what society would consider normal behaviors, reactions, etc.
I think you've taken this too seriously. There's a lot of fantasy here, but very little reality. And my guess would be that he leads most of his life online, in the virtual world, as opposed to living it in the real world, reality. As a result, I imagine he has many friendships like this with many different women online. Honestly, I think what you're about to do is very dangerous. To buy a plane ticket, fly some miles away from home alone, to meet a strange man you met on the Internet that admittedly suffers from mental illness - is just plain dangerous.
You don't know if he's treating his illness or not. You don't know if he's stable. His emotions are up and down because, in his particular case, that's what bipolar disease is. It's a roller coaster ride of feeling good, feeling bad, being up, being down. Falling into deep, severe depression and then being "manic" and in a happy frenzy. So his behavior is fitting for the mental illness disease he's stricken with.
Forget about him and that situation and develop your relationships in the real world. You can't take anything that happens in the virtual world as reality - because it's "virtual.
Mirror: Wow He has tons of online friends, but not many real life friends. I've put a year of my life into someone I haven't even met in person yet and now that I'm looking at it, it looks kinda stupid So then the no contact rule doesn't really apply here does it?
Since technically we're not real Anonymous, Well I'm sure if you don't contact him long enough, he may attempt contacting you. However, no contact can be used in several ways that are beneficial and one of them is to emotionally detach from or get over a man or a breakup. And I think if you use no contact to take a step back and detach from him a bit, you'll be able to see things more clearly and then proceed in whichever manner you'd like, once you've had some time to think.
This is the best article I have read about the no contact rule. It was kind of mutual and i think it was out of anger on both parties. This is the fourth serious breakup we've had and we've been together 3 years.
Our shortest breakup was about a week without contact, while the longest is 2 months with contact. Now, 2 weeks in on the no contact rule, he messaged me both on e-mail and facebook, saying he wants to hangout "as friends" since it's christmas and all. After about 24 hours of me not replying, he made another follow up message saying "you know you want it. I'm back to zero again on the contact rule. Thing is, i love him, i still do, but i'm really confused with how i'm supposed to feel towards all these.
We've broken up a couple of times already and i don't know what's his deal with trying to hangout with me. Can you somehow shed some light on my situation?
Thank you. Sincerely, Confused Girl. Confused Girl, "Can you somehow shed some light on my situation? He throwing around the word "friends" and he's insinuating hooking up for the holidays and that "you know you want it. I know you love him and if you really do, you'll take a serious stance with him this time. If you give in here, you're gonna get screwed. Does the "No Contact" rule work on "Bad Boys"?
I know alot of women go after bad boys and they can have any woman they want, but if a girl stops chasing them and apply "No Contact" will he think of her? Also Mirror I was wondering if you can do an article about "what to do if you see your ex with someone else? Anonymous, You know, I think it's funny, but no contact seems to be extremely effective on bad boys, LOL. Not all of them, but the ones with a big ego generally respond to it. Because as you said, they're used to getting their way with all the women chasing them down - and for some unknown reason, the one who doesn't chase them - many times ends up being the one THEY chase ;- Good topic for an article, too.
Let me think on that one a bit and see if I can't come up with something insightful. Does no contact include Skype too? I haven't been calling or texting but I have gotten on skype a couple of times and didn't say anything to him. But he also didn't say anything to me, so I'm wondering if me getting online set me back a little? However, if you're not contacting him while you're on there and you're simply using the service without communicating with him, then that's fine.
Ugh I'm so mad at myself. I got drunk last night and ended up texting him. Of course he didn't respond. I was doing so well too! I hadn't talked to him in a week prior to last night. I set myself back didn't I? How do I fix it x. Anonymous, Never communicate when you're drunk or emotional - especially via text.
It leads to miscommunications, regret and sexting. Not good things, LOL ;- Yes, regretfully, you've set yourself back here. You see, you've just reassured him that you're still interested. So now, he has nothing to worry about, nothing to think about and he knows there's no other man swooping in on you.
He has no reason to think of you now - because he knows you're still sitting there thinking of him - and waiting on him.
Can't fix it. Have to start from scratch again Dee, Well, no contact is not going to be possible. So you'd have to do a variation of it. If you make small talk with him, cease doing so, keep it short and to the point. Make the necessary arrangements and then get off the phone.
Same with face to face time. Keep it short, say you're busy, you have somewhere to be, and rush him along. Remove anything personal in nature and keep it "all business.
Here is my situation. I'm a 47 year old Libra female.
He's 47 year old Virgo. We are both never married. We met accidentally on vacation 17 months ago, but things clicked and we have stayed in touch We live about 3, miles apart. We've seen each other twice for four days at at time since then. In the last five months there has also been a few phone calls. Up until two weeks ago we would text several times a week. Though communication has been off a bit since end of October. Two weeks ago I texted him I was going to take a short vacation after the New Year an easy plane ride from him.
I suggested he come meet me for a long weekend. I've heard nothing back from him. I'm thinking his silence says it all. He has been honest in saying he doesn't want a long distance relationship something in his past and that he wants companionship closer to where he lives. When I had a chance to be in his area in the summer he told me he didn't think ti was a good idea for me to come because he knows what a good time we have together. We have shared a bed, fooled around, but no sex. Still I get these mixed signals from him.
I usually blink first if I don't hear from him in a week to ten days, but not this time. It's been a rough two weeks, but each day is a little easier. I'm not even going to wish him a Merry Christmas. So confused. On the flip side, I think he's been rather honest with you. I know your emotions are involved, but we're going to set those aside here for a moment and look at this using straight logic and we're going to focus on the facts only.
Which are: 1 He told you he doesn't want a long distance relationship 2 He wants companionship closer to where he lives 3 He refused a previous get together because he didn't want to lead you on Those are pretty cut and dry signals. This was always, and only ever will be, a casual relationship. And in casual relationships, men generally don't see the woman more than 2 or 3 times.
Because they don't want to get attached and lead the woman on. Casual situations are short lived events that amount to flings or affairs of sorts, with or without sex. My gut here is telling me he's found someone. Probably someone close to him. Yes, he should probably just tell you this, but I think he's avoiding hurting you and I think that because he's already told you these things in the past, he's hoping you'll assume that it's not going to continue in any manner that mirrors a regular relationship.
When a man wants something casual and explains that he's not interested in anything more, you can't place any expectations on him. You can't expect the situation to develop into anything meaningful in the long run and you can't expect him to always be there.
I'm sure he thinks you're a great woman. I mean, he had enough respect for you to be honest from the get-go, which is more than most men do for a woman. But I think the distance here is the factor. If you lived closer, this may have taken off.
But that's not the reality and as hard as that may be, you're going to have to accept it :- Don't contact him. You'll only hurt yourself more when he ignores you. And he'll start to think poorly of you, so don't do that.
Don't wish him a Merry Christmas either.
When done right, the no contact rule can get you the exact relationship you've .. I spent time with friends, I wrote, I read, and I even started dating someone new. out to him, then throw something casual out there and see how he responds. Over the years I've been dubbed as a huge proponent of the no contact rule. You find yourself in a situation where the no contact rule won't work; You . My ex and I just broke up on Friday after 9 months of dating-I moved into his apartment. and I respect your decision” since then we're talking casually on a daily basis. How to respond when someone you are dating or want to date says, let's just be friends, and successfully employ the no contact rule to change their when you want sex and romance, and you don't want anything platonic.
He's being a bit ignorant here by not responding at all. Although I understand why he's doing that, that doesn't make it the right decision or the right thing to do.
As time goes on, this will get easier for you. And if you hear from him on the holiday, wait several hours or even a day or two to respond. Don't appear too eager, like you're waiting for him and also give a tad bit of the ignorance back to him by hanging back and taking your good old time getting back to him.
And don't start a deep discussion or get upset with him. And if you don't hear from him, you may someday and if that doesn't happen, you move on. It wasn't going to become anything from day one and you knew that, he told you that.
It's not personal, it's circumstantial is all. Had the circumstances been different, the outcome may have been different. But none of this is a reflection on you, so don't beat yourself up about it. Mirror: I'm the one that's in the 'online' relationship with the bipolar guy. I'm also the one that drunk texted.
So basically he texted me back last night and I got my hopes up and decided to call him. He didn't answer. So then I texted him 'Bye. This is a man to whom I actually sent money several times because he was always saying how he was gonna end up homeless or his mom would lose her house, etc, etc.
I spent money on a plane ticket to see him, which isn't going to happen now. I have invested so much into this man, and I realize that he hasn't invested anything. I'm doing all the work and we haven't even met in person yet. I think he has been manipulating me emotionally, and draining me of my energy spending so much time trying to help him and make him smile.
So after everything I've done, receiving a message that says 'whatever' pretty much tells me that he doesn't care. Am I right to assume that he's saying he's done? I don't even think I need to talk to him about ending this little virtual relationship we have. I think his actions speak loud enough and that I can just fade from his life Runner, in the event of my absence I dearly hope that my daughter will love and care for herself as I love and care for her.
When I am no longer here to step in and gently save her, to help her, to protect her, to love her, I want her to be able to do exactly all of that for herself, in my stead. We have been many of us banging at the wrong door, barking up the wrong tree for love from the least likely sources.
The back door is for domestic servants and merchants no disrespect! Callers who are considered of equal status enter by the front door and are admitted to the parlour. Ta-ra then, me lawd! So glad to hear this post got under your skin too. Dear lord Fearless, I hope I have provided my daughter with some hope of self-esteem. She seems to have survived despite me.
I seemed to have survived despite my mother. Neither do I. Thanks for the advance birthday wishes. Back to his place for some champagne, which we drank in near-silence. He had most of it, I stopped drinking after a glass and a half. Then he cracked open some cans of beer. And finally he rounded it all off with a whisky chaser.
Whilst enjoying his selection of alcohol, he flicked through a load of photos on the enormous flatscreen TV, mostly of his daughter when she was a toddler but interspersed with shots of him all loved-up on the sofa with his previous girlfriend.
A memorable birthday for all the wrong reasons. I guess I can count myself lucky he was not a violent drunk, just a very morose and maudlin one. I came back to read your post as I liked it so much; it re-affirms a lot for me. If I know eff all about eff all, this I do know:. It was one of the first things I said to my therapist when I started seeing her earlier this year. By the end of my last relationship in February I felt as if my whole personality had been utterly destroyed and I had lost all sight of who the hell I was anymore.
I knew I had been there before and that every time had been worse than the time before.
I had literally reached the end of my tether. I can only say that it has made a massive difference to me already, and I can see from the many other comments that it makes a massive difference to everybody else too. More power to us! This is so true. I got into this situation with a guy, and it lasted for years. Lesson learned the hard way.
I still love the EUM after more than a year of no contact. He is the classic EUM and description of your friend.
I think about him, but so glad to have gathered the little dignity I had left and decide to go NC. Sure I felt lonely, still do. My new man calls, not texts me. He makes it a point to spend time with me and makes me feel good! Nothing is guaranteed but we can decide whether we will make ourselves feel respected or stepped all over. Jesus H. Christ, why do these married men keep playing the field? Ladies if he is married, send him home to his wife. Going to my kick box class in an hour and I will be thinking of this quote as I visualize the ex MM and work out my anger.
Love it! Thank you for making my day, Runnergirl! Glad to help Adrienne. I was struck and stunned. I walked around in circles last night. What would be on the other side? Ugh, that MM situation is really just one big churning whirlpool of sludge—one just gets yuckier and yuckier the more one spins along downward in it.
And yes, what would we have found behind that ugly, ratty door? My therapist whose practice specializes in relationship counseling, so she has worked with a lot of couples as well told me last week, after I was discussing how the MM was emotionally unavailable, said that he was probably that way even with his wife echoes of BR here.
How funny not ha ha you mention that your ex MM was probably unavailable to his wife. Hee Hee, the joke was on me. I clearly had a stupid hidden agenda that blew up in my face. Meanwhile, he fed off my confused buffet. Thank you all. With you all there is no escaping reality. Who do you think is most likely to get hurt at the end? I went two weeks NC the last time, before I caved to his begging me back again.
Within a month of that, he met someone else and started ignoring me, and then had the gall to lie about it the evidence was overwhelmingly obvious. When I asked him if he was seeing someone, he accused me of being a crazy, jealous girl. It took me all summer to grieve and process the loss. He still wants to be friends, and maybe we could be one day. But him meeting another woman was a blessing in disguise, because it was the last straw that had me end the cycle for good.
Your comment reminded my of an ex AC. I was aware that he wanted more, but, at that time, I needed him around because I was not totally healed. Over these years,when we went out as friends, he continually tried to convince me to sleep with him.
Almost every time we went to take a taxi after a night out, he used to invite me to his place or to ask me to come to my place. Anyway, I was delighted to see his frustration, it was my revenge on the way he had treated me during our relationship.
One night, I told him I was into a relationship with a MM for about four years. We were friends, right? Friends confess to each other. He said that he still had feelings for me and I was a mean person, then got mad and said that the MM was using me. He was only jealous that another man was using me, not him. He was devastated to see that he no longer could control and manipulate me. After so many years, he felt betrayed.
That made me understand how ego-centered, selfish, abusive these men are. I explained him that is not about him, but he took it very personally. These ACs have no regret, no empathy,no feelings. When you recognise that someone has a shady character, get them out of your life. As RadioGirl says at the top, be careful of the company you keep. What are YOU doing? Think about what you want in your house and put the garbage out. BR is like the rain washing me clean.
Grace: Many years ago, I had a male platonic friend who was involved with an AC woman and who cried on my shoulder about this woman for years and years. Had I done anything to inflict any romantic interest in him? All those thoughts of mine were overly complicated BS. What he did had nothing to do with me.
A day ago I get an email from a guy I basically had an emotional affair with over two years ago. I was in a relationship and so was he. Eventually I called it quits, not that it really went anywhere but long drawn out emails and occasional texts. I had lied to my boyfriend and hid this from him until he found out. Obviously, it created some problems on top of a couple other issues we already had. I told the guy I could not talk to him anymore and stopped cold turkey. Eventually the boyf and I did break up.
He asked how I was doing. We exchanged a couple emails. I stayed pretty brief. I think somewhere in one of your posts you mention how some of us worry how we say something if that has caused the other person to do or not do something. I knew something was wrong with me when he did not reply on the spot, I started thinking I said something wrong.
He asked for my number in his latest email saying he wanted to text me. Did I scare him off? He also gave me his number….
Casual dating no contact
I have no idea if he is still with the girlfriend he had two years ago. My point is the way I am feeling. Did I say something wrong? Was I too bossy? Too forceful? I guess it was just a casual he found my email and wanted to say hi. Then he wants my number again and here I am trying to dictate whether he texts or calls.
And my mind gets to churning. I get emotionally drunk. I feel crazy. So this is a red flag for me. I never expected to hear from this guy again. If he happens to contact me again, I am going to ask if he does have a girlfriend.
And if the answer is yes, my response will be goodbye. I know if I were his girlfriend and found out he was hitting up another woman he was attracted to and asking for…. Never again. Ladies do not fall for it. Do not look back. Their problems are their problems and not yours. I needed the thud to hit the ground from my fantasy cloud.
And I thought I had made progress. So the guy finally texts me Monday night 3 days after asking for my phone number in an email. It was almost 10pm and I was asleep. I got it the next morning. He said he works nights that he is sorry for texting I told him in an email to call instead of text but wanted to know a good time to call. I text him back times that would work for me. But that he could text.
That was Tuesday morning. Is he going to call? Why did he contact me again after 2 years, in which I initially told him to hit the road. I thought maybe he had. A friend said he may have just been doing just that……seeing how I was after looking through contacts. And for him to come back has me screwed up. Either calm down or step away from delving into your past with an unavailable man from your past. Choose an option and have some self control. Remember last week when you could breathe, go to work, sleep, go to the bathroom, think about the day, plans etc?
This man is not the centre of the universe. Color, I have been there! I was at the point where I had an anxiety-ridden conniption when the guy popped up the situation was such that any sort of ongoing dialogue with him is out of the questionso I bought the No Contact Rule E-Book.
This guy has demonstrated that he cannot be trustedso why would you attempt to get involved once again? You have been moving to a healthier place, and this brief communication has already turned you inside out, and placed you in a mode of panic.
When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating. When A Man .. You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance). Do that and. Learn how and when to employ the no contact approach. and heavy with another, you can (after an appropriate time) begin casual dating. The no initiate rule is a version of no contact rule that applies to casual relationship You are dating someone else and you see your ex as just another option.
Please take a break from men, so that you will get to a place where you would not even entertain this type of character. I hear you Nat. Him contacting me sparked the idea that maybe there is a chance? And that may have been the last I hear from him. I want to know if I should contact him again or if I should accept his call IF he does call. I have not initiated a thing.
That is a habit I am dropping. And this is why I can not have relationships. My gauge for how to operate in them is warped. My intention is not to be dramatic but these feelings are overpowering. Do I say anything? Very few decisions are life and death. This man is not the last hope. If you want to take it further — ask him what he wants. Why are you contacting me? Are you single? What are your intentions?
When Should I Use the No Contact Rule and For How Long?
Do you want to meet up and talk? You two have … questionable history and you both need to put your cards on the table. Or take a chance, find out what he wants, and act accordingly. But no sex yet! You have choices.
Either they were a jerk or I was. Or we both were. Sometimes you just have to start afresh. I asked myself today, what would I do if he contacted me? For the umpteenth time I had found some sext on his phone, or some nasty sexual email to a woman, or some really degrading womanizing messaging on Fbook. I recently reconnected with an old friend in the Uk and I now live in Canada.
Over the course of our writing our friendship when from platonic to romantic and all the while we were both in relationships. I ended my committed relationship as clearly I knew it was in serious trouble given I had feelings for someone miles away. And he attempted to continue this long distance love affair.
I set my boundary with him several times telling him to go figure his life out, their relationship out and to man up. I then dropped him cold. Its actions not words so he is lieing to both of us. This guy is clearly ambivalent and messed up…. In other words they are friends with benefits. I have no idea whether she knows I exist or not. When he texts me he is always apologetic saying he is busy with his divorce, lawyers, raising his son which I truly respect him for.
He says he wants to move to Canada to be with me. He tells me he has no passion for her. He is clearly emotionally unavailable and very needy. And I believe she is the same as I feel that any woman that chooses this lifestyle has the same issues. If I can figure this out this far away surely she is not that blinkered.
Or perhaps she is. Like attracts like. I know cos I have been there. And thankfully learned that sloppy seconds is a one way street to low self esteem. Run from a tool like this. He has poor self worth. He is a wounded animal that needs therapy not sex to fill the hole. Thankfully he is getting some.
So there is hope for him. However my last text told him I am focussing my own healing from my last relationship. That means letting go with dignity. At least one of us is healing. I was recontacted by my college boyfriend again that I have know 24 years. He has keep in touch over the years and we even had a short affair after he was divorced form his FIRST wife. I always felt he was the love of my life…. I left the country for a year and he became involved with someone else.
I live in San diego Ca and he lives in Sonoma. I did not want to see him because I would be the other woman. He wanted me to meet him in Los Angelas, he would pay the bill as he is very wealthy and we could catch up.
I resisted and said no. Fast forward to two months ago. He and the woman had broken up and he wanted to come visit me in San diego. I was lonely so I agreed. We had a wonderful time and he made plans to take me on a road trip from San Fran to San diego. I flew up there first class! He bought me presents and it was very romantic. I was devastated…He wanted to continue seeing me long distance.
I told him no, I wanted to move on. He would NOT change his mind about me…they never do. I have not heard from him and I am grateful but very sad, I just wish I had never slept with him to begin with. Ella Aw, unfortunately — or fortunately depending on how you see it — your story is quite typical. How you see things is not how they see it.
You see longterm friendship spanning decades. It must mean something, right? He sees — I could be married, divorced, in another country, dating and Ella is always going to be there, and will even have sex with me. Careful of making assumptions. Choose better next time.
But the chances of that happening are really rare! Just had a visual of some EUM holding up a tiny little plastic shield to try to protect himself from the wrath of runnergirl …. An ex of mine that fell into the friend category years and years before BR and for whom I was not brokenhearted still tells me stories of his intimate relationships and this post totally reminded me of some of his tales.
He pretends not to, but he knows these women will want more. He tends to go after women who are still openly angry about their mistreatment at the hands of men — I was one — and then he is able to sympathize. He is really quite good at sympathizing over a coffee or a beer. Eventually he and some woman who have commiserated in cynicism over the con that is romance will get together, with a sense of safety in that he has just said he knows the whole wine and dine, fast-forward, future-faking, thing is a con.
Oh, and the thesis for unavailable men is so eye-opening. OMG that is crazy and disturbing…okay I know that you should not do this…but how great would it be if you could forward that a our responses to your dead-on description of his crazy self?!!!
Sounds like you were dating my ex-husband. Why, last week he even offered to move back in and live as my roommate. Such an offer! No more back door for us. I opted out because I had wanted a future with this man and would not feel good about myself if I would have remained in the relationship on his terms.
Realizing that it was better for me to get out sooner and feel hurtrather than continuing on, and end up feeling devastated after he dumped me for someone whom he felt was better. A casual relationship is more like a business deal. When the agreement changes and you up the price, he finds a lower bidder. Just like that. You are like a free prostitute…. Unless you are truly okay with being casual without a hidden agenda.
If they continue to pressure you to have a casual relationship after you have expressed wanting more, then they have even less respect for you than a cheap hooker…. I have tried having a casual relationship with someone and personally, it just felt yucky. I no longer had feelings for him and it felt all wrong.
If it was with someone I really liked, I would eventually want more from him. He has been a gentleman so far and has not been out of line or pushy. Funny that you should mention prostitutes. Then she broke up with me, and wanted to remain friends. It just hit me the last time we had sex. For me, it was making love…. She used me — but I let her. I was trying to manipulate her into loving me — using sex, affection, charm…bad idea. End the relationship with some dignity and pride, and find someone who does love you.
I felt like that sometimes with the ex MM and it was a sickening feeling. So glad I am 38 days NC and counting. I ran into him for the first time today in a grocery store and I felt no anxiety or any sort of backsliding while chatting with him. What the eff?!? Of all the brass balls! In the past I would have gotten all bent that he would think so little of me and maybe have beaten myself up over his treatment of me.
I walked away from him in that store without a single backward glance. Thank you Natalie! This was the mistake that I made. The only solution is to get the hell out of Dodge. Anyway, no more self-blame. Thanks for your post, yoghurt! A light just came on at my end. Yes, we grumble that he is not listening to us, when we are not listening to ourselves.
That is so, so true. That is exactly it! But if we already understand it enough to explain it to him, then what are we waiting for? Someone to come up with a different version? Him to explain how wrong we are?
Him to listen, understand and fix it? To be proved wrong, in time? Lots of time! Thanks, Fearless. Exactly—what was I waiting for?
I signed up for option 3. I feel silly now, and sad. Indeed that would be the indicator of what type of situation you have on your hands. All they care about is getting what they want. And anytime all a woman does is talk about her concerns, instead of actually doing something about it, all we do is make life easier for them.
Talk is cheap, and they know it. All talking does is give them clues into how to manipulate you in the off chance that you should decide to take a stand. Thanks for that reminder. Sorry that you have to still be in contact with your ex-EUM but what makes you think he has now got his act together and is emotionally available?Did You Sleep With Him Too Soon?
Has he done any emotional work on himself? I only ask as having a 22 yr girlfriend with great hair does not make a healthy relationship! At least his having a girlfriend means that he only very very occasionally rings me in the middle of the night, and I take great pleasure in ignoring the calls. It might work or it might not, but either way it was never going to work with me. Thank you for reminding me that my feelings ARE valid Yoghurt. Good luck to you in your journey.
Good luck getting that EUM out of your head. I know that it often feels as though you never will — I was ready to despair a few months ago — but then all of a sudden everything comes together and you feel better about it.
Keep the faith xx. Thanks Nat. First time poster, but long time reader of your forum. Arg — this has been me in a nutshell for the past year. Okay fine. So, I continued being his friend. Phone calls everyday, lots of hanging out, flirting and the occasional cuddle.
Needless to say, I was fooling myself, still hoping in the back of my mind that things would develop. We got closer and closer and two weeks ago I decided to confess my feelings once again. I feel like a fool. He is rediculously charming, handsome and sweet and this is his pattern. Meets girl, gets intimate with girl, decides her expectations are too much. Stops sleeping with girl. Stays friends with girl. Girl hangs onto hope and thinks he will change his mind. Why did I think I would be any different?!
Dumb and painful. My experience is that these EUM guys prefer to live in a fantasy world of their own creation and if you get involved with them unawares, like I did, you learn to live in a fantasy world of your own. My fantasy world never felt right to me and brought me closer to madness than I have ever been.
I did however, finally get to see that the fantasy was the source of my anxiety. I am not so sure the EUM knows what a snow job he is doing to himself and how uneasy it makes him. Reality is harder, way harder, and its not always happy either. But its the only way to live with integrity. I know I wont go to lala land again, but sometimes my head does fall back into some weird fantasy nostalgia of the EUM. However, an alarm always goes off when that happens now and I make a quick visit to BR for a healthy dose of truth serum.
Thanks Nat, as always. Your words resonated with me — and these guys creating fantasy worlds of their own, so true.
Yea, I know those moments of wishing and hoping he will come around all too well. So true StraightandTall about their and our fantasy world. I have a hard enough time living in my fantasy world let alone trying his out for size. StraightandTall, I strongly resonate with your comment!
I was sucked into my exEUM fantasy world too. He basically started to act like a jackass and dropped me like a hot potato. It hurts sometimes and I miss that fantasy world. The whole situation has been so confusing to me too. There were mixed messages via actions, and me reading way too much into them.
You saw that statement as him being a person who needs other people and professing a fear of losing them. With distance, however, that perspective changes, empowering you to see things as they were and not as you fantasized them to be. Look guys, I know that may be a hard pill to swallow. But you came here for the real deal and not a bunch of flowery nonsense, right? That said, removing contact as an option does — in a matter of speaking — put you back on the market.
This means getting your feet wet again. Doing so helps shift that lens we talked about earlier. The problem happens when a lover becomes the singular source of validation, thereby creating an unhealthy recipe for codependency.
In turn, this breaks a codependent cycle and boosts your self-confidence. When you are attached to someone, you are less likely to focus on your needs because: 1. You become super comfortable. Want to work on your biceps? Now you can. Hoping to drop a few pounds? Thinking of growing a beard and styling like Thor?
But none of these things can happen if you are still tethered to your ex. See point one above. A powerful benefit of choosing no contact is the obtainment of wisdom. Hey, I recognize this one sounds weird but please hear me out.
That said, when you break up with a person and stay true to the no contact rule, you allow yourself the ability to remember moments in context.
The No Contact Rule May Not Work
In turn, this allows you to gain insight; something you can use in the future to avoid attracting the same people. By focusing on yourself and not on your ex you are making the conscious choice to heal. Over time, this fortifies your resolve and ultimately, your sense of self. When you know who you are and can intuitively identify the difference between healthy verses unhealthy partners, you become stronger. If your goal is to heal and move past the trauma of a breakup, the no contact rule needs to be in effect for a long time.
While there is no hard and fast rule, a minimum of six months to a year are good places to start. Look, I understand. There are going to be times when you bump into an ex in a totally unplanned way. Examples include seeing them on the street or running into them while out and about. Nod your head to acknowledge your ex if you want. Wave back if they say hi. Smile if you want to for the sake of appearances. If you must leave the immediate area, do it.