My Dad Cheats On His Wife With My Mom! I'm ConfusedMy dad doesn't seem to care about me, my family or my brother anymore and I'm wondering how to deal with this. I lost my mom almost five years ago. She was the glue in our family and was wonderful. She showered my brother and me with all the love and attention that you could ever hope to get from a parent. Her sudden death almost destroyed me, but thanks to my loving husband and some great friends I got through it.
She's putting the house up for sale, so this was the last Christmas, New Year, etc. That was basically the last straw for me.
Now, my father has revealed that he began a sexual relationship with the nurse shortly after my mother died. I feel the nurse betrayed her. A reader writes: My mother passed away last May and Dad started dating again three months after mom's death. He is now serious with a lady. A few weeks after he passed away, my mom went to visit her sister in Seattle for some much needed, and deserved, R & R. She certainly.
I've just completely given up on being able to depend on her for anything, or to be able to openly talk to her about anything. Then, just this morning Jan. What an awesome way to start the new year, huh? She has always been my best friend, someone I would rather spend time with than anyone in the world, other than my husband. Two of my siblings are adopted and come from very turbulent backgrounds, but she took them in and became their mom.
She helped out all of us kids through college and beyond in any way she could, and absolutely adores all 4 of her grandkids. But since meeting this new guy, she is not the same person. I just have no clue how to react to her now. How am I supposed to believe anything she says, or if she is spending time with us because she really wants to, or just out of guilt? My sisters have each tried talking to her, we talked to her as a group, her cousin has talked to her, etc.
Has anyone else been through a similar situation? Anyone have any advice on where to go from here? I want to say I am sorry for the loss of your dad and that you are hurting. You've come to a good place here, we have suffered losses and understand these situations. You seem to feel your mom's seeing this man is a personal affront to you and your family and that she is doing something wrong against your dad.
That is not the case.
Your dad is gone. You kids have your own lives, whereas she is left alone to pick up the pieces of her life. Would you rather she stay home draw the curtains, pour over old photographs and cry all day? It is up to her to decide how best to create a life for her.
I would imagine if the family embraced her new gentleman and got to know and appreciate him for who he is rather than feeling he is displacing your dad and resenting them for it, she might spend more time with the family, grandkids, etc. She's not going to be where she is made to feel uncomfortable.
Your mom IS a new person, your dad's death changed that. Once we are hit with a loss such as that, we are no longer the same person. I can't tell you how hard it is to lose your husband, harder than anything. She may be trying to avoid some grief, and fill a void that your dad left, but by the same token, as someone who was his caretaker, she watched him die little by little and cared for him and that is when her grieving began!
It is called anticipatory grief and it jump starts the grief process, so that the grief process for her did not begin on the actual day he died, but beforehand. You said yourself that you didn't notice these changes because you were away and busy As it is, I dare say, the man she is seeing will not fully eliminate her grief You can't compare your loss with hers, they were different relationships In the same way, you cannot compare the way you cope with grief to the way she does.
Each person's grief journey is unique. It's affected by quality and length of relationship, personal coping skills, personality, etc. Your mom might not be so afraid to talk to you kids if you would be less judgmental and more open to her, genuinely happy for her.
Saying you are happy for someone should not be followed with a "but", which negates it, but should be happy It seems you have constructed a black and white view of the situation where it's all one way or another.
We aren't here to control someone else, or judge them, but to love and appreciate them for who they are and try to understand what they are going through. Your mom's not telling you about spending the night with her man friend does not mean she thought it was wrong, it infers she didn't think it was your business That her roommate would "tell on her" was wrong and I wouldn't encourage her gossip, she'd talk about you behind your back too.
If you continue to have problems with your mom and the situation does not improve, I'd encourage you to see a grief counselor to help you through it. Meanwhile, I do hope you will continue to come here and post your feelings, it's important to know you are heard. Also, if you'd read other threads in loss of parent section, you might find some in similar situations and read the responses there. My advice would be to embrace the both of them or you will lose your mom.
I have a situation where someone close to me married someone I don't cotton to.
Tips for When Your Widowed Parent Begins to Date
Yet I have to continue to make effort if I want my loved one in my life. Sometimes that's just how it is. And if you give him a chance, you might just find him to be a lovely person.
Ask yourself what you would think of him if you met him under different circumstances? The fact that he showed up on Christmas after telling you he wouldn't so that you could spend alone time with your mom, I would not have let slide I would have said something to them right then and there.
My mom passed away and my dad is dating
Of course, she probably would have left and it would have created a rift, but one is already there whether addressed or not. I would be respectful, polite, not "attack", but stick to the action that offends you and not nitpick but rather save it for the big stuff and let the small things go.
My beloved mother died two years ago from cancer. Knowing that he would probably date or even remarry eventually, I enjoyed having my father to What was the harm in believing my parents were away on vacation?.
You kids are grownups, and it's not your place to run your mom's life. There's a limit how much she has to "be there" for you guys, you aren't children any more. Perhaps you could give it some thought and express to her what you feel you'd like her to "be there" for in you and your kids' lives.
Give her a chance to respond and see if you can come to a mutual agreement about what is reasonable. But you need to give on your part too.My Story Of Losing My Dad - Caitlin Bea
To expect her to NOT date because you don't like it is unreasonable. It is your feeling, which is neither good nor bad, but you can't expect her to bow to your demands. It's okay to FEEL upset, that is part of the grieving Your feelings would probably best be aired with a grief counselor who can help you work through this muddle of grief.
Please understand that you are grieving your dad too and that as such, it's coloring your perceptions and responses. We are very thin skinned when we are grieving.
My mom passed away about seven months ago - the grief process has been really hard, but I just felt like I was starting to be able to breathe. That is exactly how much your widowed parent (and his or her significant lost one parent, and feel your surviving parent pulling away from the family into a have fallen into a new normal for your family after the death of your other parent. This new person dating your mom or dad will not fill those shoes. I was not able to push the wind back into my sails so quickly, and I said some terrible things to my mother. “Dad's dead, but he's not that dead,”.
We can also be self-centered when we're grieving, which is part of what helps us focus on our grief and put the effort into it that we need to to get through it. It is a natural grief response but we also need to be aware of it as it can affect our relationships and judgment. Good luck to all of you! Change is always challenging, but it is what shapes and molds us into the caring creatures we are. What a wise and wonderful letter you wrote! I think that probably many of us have experienced "kid ownership" after our spouses died or there was a divorce.
My daughters did not want me to date again, much less marry again, and repeatedly told me "You will always be our mother, and we come first. I think that as you so eloquently stated, we each respond to grief and loss in our own way, but nothing in that gives us the right to interfere with other family members' lives.
Thank you, fae. I have nothing on my agenda but resting the next three days before I make the big trek into the city 55 miles away to get rechecked on my incisions, which I hope are doing okay. I've had a few pains that I don't know if they're phantom or if the ulcer is still there, time will tell. I'm not going to rush into treatment again, I'll give it time to see and tell.
I was hesitant to answer this poster's letter here as I knew what needed to be said but hated to say it for fear of making her feel like we don't understand. The truth is, we understand all too well, we have been both the children My mom chose NOT to date after losing my dad 33 years ago, and she put a lot of pressure on us adult children to meet her emotional needs and be there for her all the time I used to travel to visit her every week, listen to her on the phone a couple times a week or moreand there were six of us to spread it around, while only half of us actually did so.
Had she sought some outside interests, it would have been easier on us. Having just lost her a few months ago, I can honestly say I don't regret any effort we expended, and yet at the time, it was hard to be stretched so thin.
I have had friends who've lost a parent that experienced similar reactions to this poster and helped them through their times, I understood their feelings yet hoped they'd see their parent's feelings as well.
It's a tough situation! My dear JulieAnna, I hope you are willing and able to give careful consideration to the responses you've received from Kay and Fae, two of our members who speak from a widow's perspective. Can you just imagine what that must feel like to her, after all she has been through? All of that said, none of us wishes to diminish the pain and the grief that YOU are feeling in the wake of your father's death. You have every right to feel whatever you are feeling, and no one here will judge you for that.
Your feelings are just as valid, just as real as anyone else's. I also want you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do about your mother's involvement with another man following the death of your dad.
Very good Marty, I remember that thread well, I just didn't remember what it was called. You are so good at calling up just the right thing at just the right time! It is so true, we are all entitled to our feelings, all of which are valid. I view it as an opportunity as what we do with them is what is truly life changing. You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. Paste as plain text instead. Paste as plain text instead. Only 75 emoji are allowed.
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My father's now girlfriend was a friend of the family before my mom's death and Within 2 months after my mom died they were dating and a serious item most of my late wife's things were either packed up or given away to. About a year after my mom's death my dad started dating a woman whom the death of his wife he turns not toward but away from the family. I'm not upset that he's dating, I'm sad that he found my mom's replacement .. My mom passed away in and about two years later my dad.
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Enjoy the benefits of Premium today. Join Us on Facebook. Take Grieving. Buy on Apple and Google Play. All Activity Home Loss of Loss of a Parent Mother or Father Mom died Mom died Reply to this topic Start new topic. Recommended Posts. Report post. Posted October 24, My mom passed away about seven months ago - the grief process has been really hard, but I just felt like I was starting to be able to breathe.
And now I just found out that my dad has started seeing someone an old family friend. Given she lives in another state and it is early, he is talking very seriously about her, and even said he thinks he connects better with her than with my mom -- it may be his way of coping or what have you.
But this all feels so abrupt, and I am just not ready for it. My dad has been my rock through all of this, and to have him being the reason that I am crying -- it is just really really hard. I obviously want him to be happy, it just feels so early. It doesn't help that I'm not sure how much I like this woman, and if they were to get serious, it adds this wild card into the already struggling family dynamic.
Like imaging some other woman at our holidays, family vacations Has anyone dealt with anything like this, or does anyone have any tips? I understand he must be lonely, etc. I have not stopped crying since I found out - I haven't cried this hard over my mom in months.